Let the sharp edges be rounded, so that I am not an instrument of harm, but of comfort to anyone around me.

Yesterday morning I woke up feeling heavy.  I felt like my heart was saturated to the point of dripping over with tears.  I felt like I should be bowed over, walking with a hunched back.  This is not a metaphor.  I literally felt that way.   Several hours into the day, I realized that that yesterday was the anniversary of the death of my sister. 

 It's amazing how the body holds on to memories and remembers to grieve even when the conscious mind has forgotten what day it is.

     So I did what was only appropriate.  I baked gluten free and mostly paleo cookies with Four Year Old Child.  ( I realize that calling anything "Mostly Paleo"  Is equivalent to saying that someone's snarling pit bull is "mostly harmless." but just let me have this.)  

We ate them warm.  Because when you are remembering the life of someone you have lost, when your entire body is heavy with the tears weighing down your heart, look around at the people who are here, be fully present with them.  

Our most valuable treasures can only be mined out of the deepest, darkest soil of our deepest, darkest grief and sorrows.  In our hearts, we would choose to not have to suffer; we would wish all loved ones back with us; we would change decisions.  But since no human can have this option, let me look forward, keeping my eyes on the Lord, and let Him reveal to me just exactly what the unique treasure is, that which could or would be gleaned through no other means.

The deepest, darkest grief to ever happen was the death of Jesus on the cross. The entire universe grieved, was covered in darkness, and God the Father turned His head. 

 Jesus was called a Man of Sorrows, He was described as being Acquainted with Grief.  

"He was despised and rejected by mankind, a man of suffering, and familiar with pain.  Like one from whom people hide their faces he was despised, and we held him in low esteem." Isaiah 53:3

And yet the richest of all blessings came as a result of that deepest of sufferings and sorrows; Mankind can be healed and restored to the King of Kings and Lord of Lords.

And after that, even Heaven.

...So anything, anything, we suffer now in this life can be used to further His Kingdom, if we submit it to Him.  

This is our hope.  

And God is in the process of healing all of His children of all of our leprosy, in all of it's various forms.  

Healed to a life of feeling, healed to a life of pain. 

 It is amazing the things we become sensitive to, once the filter of numbness has been removed...

   ...and yet, He calls this healed.

It has been 35 years since my only sister died.  My heart will never forget, even when my mind does.  I am raw, I am here, and I am alive.  And let me not forget to turn around and thank the one who is healing me.

I thank you, Father.  

I thank you.

(And please give that baby a big hug and kiss from me, I can't wait to see her.)