Sick to my soul

"Jesus said, 'Let the little children come to me, and do not hinder them, for the kingdom of Heaven belongs to such as these."

-Jesus Christ, 

quoted in Matthew 19:14

Sick baby.

  It's so normal to have a sick baby.  But it knocks you down every time it happens.  And after having had several children, I can tell you that it doesn't get easier on your Mommy heart.  If anything, it gets harder.  My firstborn child had the worst sickness of any of my children.  Infant Botulism at 2 months of age.  Look it up. She could have died.  Every time they get sick, they could die, but really, she could have died.  But I walked through that mostly out of naivety, and the fact that she was my first and only child.  I didn't know any different.  The Lord healed her.  Fifteen years later and she's got straight A's, a collection of stringed instruments which she plays every day,  and a nose ring.  

     But now today, my 6th child, one year old son is just getting over a virus.  At least as of today, we are pretty sure it was a virus.  He had a fever which lasted exactly three days, as the doctor predicted it would, and finally, it broke.   But having to endure those three days of a high fever with my son was hard.  I wept several times.  I didn't like not knowing exactly what was wrong with him, and I wanted him to get well sooner than I saw him getting well.  

And you want to believe he's just like the 99% of babies who have something very common and get well very soon, but there is always that 1% chance he could be one of the ones for whom these symptoms indicate something more sinister and long lasting.  We all know someone who has been through that unimaginable thing with their own children.  We pray daily that we never have to join them in that experience.  But some people actually do end up having to join them in that experience, every day new families get exposed.   

     I can look back over the years and think of various illnesses my children have had.  Most of them were minor, very normal childhood illnesses.  Your basic cold and flu.  All of them had ear infections as babies.  My third baby had to be hospitalized for four days with pneumonia. And every one of those illnesses has ended in the child getting well again. 

 And with every illness, I became a little less me. 

     The Lord came to free us from our chains, and one of the reasons He had to do this was because we kind of like our chains.  When all is well, I keep running back to them, and I wear them like soul jewelry and show them off.  "Look at me, I'm obsess over things I can control because the rest of life is so out of control, so I will worship myself in this way, and make these things submit to my will and discipline, so that I can be on the top of something.  But it's noble, see?  And it's really quite beautiful; let's all admire this about me for awhile."  And even though I think I always know it's weighing down my soul, I don't know how to let go of it, I don't know how I will live without it, so I keep reaching back for the chains that bind, and I keep numbing out the kind of joy that can only come on the backside of having experienced peace through suffering, and I convince myself that it's shiny and pretty. 

 (But in a humble way, right?)

    Then a child gets sick, and all I can hold onto is my baby. 

When a child is sick, my prayers become simply, "Lord, please make him well." because when a child is sick, it breaks my heart, and heartbreak brings clear sight, and my clear sight in that moment shows me that nothing else matters right now. 

Without a thought, I let go of everything else.  The effortless fall away, like feathers.  My soul feels lighter than it used to. I pray it keeps getting lighter, because when your soul gets lighter, you know what it is full of?  

Light. 

 And that light is the glory of God.

So thank the Lord for the painful things in life that have the effect of clarifying what needs to be clarified,  

and loosening what needs to be loosened,

and tightening what needs to be tightened.

And thank God that regardless of the outcome, He is our soul's very ultimate healing.

"Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls." 

-Jesus Christ,

quoted in 

Matthew 11:29